machine gun sue: I like the Motorola buttplug.

fudgie: My motorola buttplug is broken


Elisabeth: Thank you for calling Motorola, je suis Elisabeth, I own Canada, how can I help you?
Caller: My motorola is borken.
Elisabeth: What kind of Motorola do you have?
Caller: The kind that goes up your butt. To plug it.
Elisabeth: Motorola makes many fine anal products.
Caller: Yeah. Fine. Then why how come it don't work?
Elisabeth: Can you read me the product number please?
Caller: No
Elisabeth: Do you need to go to Costa Rica? Because I will send you there if you don't shape up.
Caller: I can't see the product number.
Elisabeth: Why not?
Caller: It's stuck in my ass. And nobody is home to pull it out.
Elisabeth: I quit.

Curtain.


http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=34602046

So lets talk for a moment about where i work.
I definatley work in corporate america.

And i don't exactly have the corporate mind set.
let me preface everythign i am about to spew with this company lets me show up looking like a hobo, i laugh as loud as i want, and am as flamboyantly un-corporate as i want to be. Basically i am a rebellious pre-teen of the corporate world, but instead of getting fired, they just laugh and tell me its great. so in all honesty i have zero right to complain.

but when has that stopped me

i work at a company that hates the following: vowels, math, and color
its pretty much the triumverate of healthy living.

one really does need vowels regardless of how sleek the lack of vowels might make a word look, you need them for syllable formation. its integral to the definition of syllable actually... each syllable must have a vowel. so basically the place i work is not only anti syllable but anti the english language or language in general since i believe syllable is pan-cultural. and since it can be argued that language is the symbol construct used to create "culture" one could also say that where i work is anti established culture...... or whatever..i'm just saying

they also hate math.. the rules of math, and basically real numbers in general. While i am perhaps the greatest champion of numbers as non-entities, and the concept that math exists as a logical expression of the imagination.... however; we choose to opperate in a society that relies on the rules that math provides. One would think that corporate america, which relies on convention to such a stifling degree as to cause psychological crisis amongst those in its hold, would obey the rules that math provides... rules like..... one hundred percent.
let me begin by defining percent... it comes from oh maybe the french or some other latin root meaning out of 100. its basically a representation of a fraction. if you have a pie, you can't have more than all of that pie.. assuming it is the only pie in the room. its just not possible. allow me to reiterate that it is NOT POSSIBLE to have more than 100% however. here in this place..... 100% is only about a "c" if you get 100% on your "performance metrics", i won't even get into how nauseating i find it to be quantified, um.. so yes if you score 100% there are still points you have to acheive in order to be okay... now please explain to me how 100% is not 100% of the points. i find this to be highly disturbing. this powerful global multi bazillion corporation... can't figure out you can't have more than 100 percent. its just a mathmatical impossibility.....
And they get pretty irritated when you tell them so.

umm oh and also they hate color.. and by that i mean my world is grey grey grey both in the literal and metaphorical sense. people love their beige lives. and their grey spartan cubicles

VIVE LA REVOLUTION!

and it shall be entitulated "bitches and the things they do"

a pre-excerpt from the book of "ya."
So in this world there exist bitches. I don't mean it in the y'all bitches, or the i'm gonna make you my bitch sort of way.....its the general women who suck genre of bitches to which i refer. Now, i will own up to being one. frankly i think most women are... its more of a human issue than anything else, though some women are more gifted in the bitch department, some men also i find to be quite adept at bitchery.
regardless, i feel we can agree that they do, in fact, exist.

i feel that there is a widely accepted connotation of the word bitch. Its not exactly flattering, it elucidates ideas of catty, spoiled,mean, selfish, loud mouthed, bossy, pugnacious, self-important, manipulative, etc.etc.etc.
often the aforementioned characteristics might be used in conjunction with bitch such as selfish-bitch, likewise ugly-bitch, dumb-bitch, lying-bitch, skanky-bitch, skank-ass-bitch, nasty-bitch and so on.

but beyond that, "bitch" is rather amorphous. we know what a bitch is; its sortof a visceral response...we know 'em when we see em, or its like we can smell them coming. Ah, yes i smell it now, its a foul bitch i scent on this wind. (sick i got a little carried away there)

I think that it can be broken down into two kingdoms, old bitch and new bitch. Which can in turn be subdivided into phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species.

Let us first draw our attention to the old bitch kingdom. Kingdon old bitch does not specifically relate to bitches who are advanced in age, but rather the bitches of old.
the first phylum in the old bitch kingdom worth mentioning, is the righteous bitch.
bitches of the righteous bitch phylum were strong, wise, powerful women. classes within this phylum include but are not limited to politically powerful bitch (queens, empresses, pharohs etc.) i am sure they instilled some bitterness in the hearts of some in their time; behind the scenes bitch - influential concubines, wives of dignitaries etc; smart bitches - including the women of the salon (not beauty parlor style... age of enlightenment duh); pioneer bitches- this class is broken down into political pioneers perhaps most recently and most widely known would be the suffragettes; and social pioneers, women outside gender roles: jeanne d'arc, annie oakley, simone de beauvoire(really the list here could be so extensive as to become tiresome.) The downtrodden-not-actually-a-bitch-but-my-oppresive-abusive-father/husband/brother/uncle/pimp/owner/etc-refers to-me-as-a-bitch bitch is perhaps the saddest of this phylum. The righteous bitch phyllum includes pretty much all of the badass women of history. They aren't really bitches in the sense we know it today, but i am confident that in their own time they would have certainly heard their name linked to "bitch" or some approximation there of.
Onto the next phylum within the old bitch kingdom. This phylum might be called phylum scary bitch. Without getting too far into this phylum it includes bitches that oh request the heads of people on platters, start wars for personal profit slash ego boost, go on murderous rampages killing all their children... you know scary bitches. The ones that were just so hard they turned insane.. well at least history depicts them as such. I am sure that it seemed perfectly logical at the time...
The last phylum in the old bitch kingdom worth mentioning is the mythical bitch. Mythical bitches are the women of fables, folktales, myths, and religion. Real and imagined, these women have acheived iconic status in the retelling of their narrative throughout time. Beyond hystory (not a misspelling, think uterus) they represent/extol/castigate (case, culture, and time dependant) the general bitchitude of women everywhere.

***i would like to acknowledge that i recognize the similarity of this taxonomic classification of bitches and that of barbie* and "now we resentful-political-activist bitch complete with picket sign, birkenstocks, and mini-megaphone, trying-to-maintain-a-sense-of-control-through-instutionalized-power police bitch with handcuffs, and riot gear sold separately" (clearly i am going to hell)***



new bitch taxonomy coming soon to a homonymousshmifter blog near you








*Barbie is a registered trademark of Mattel.. or it was,i don't exactly keep track