and it shall be entitulated "bitches and the things they do"

a pre-excerpt from the book of "ya."
So in this world there exist bitches. I don't mean it in the y'all bitches, or the i'm gonna make you my bitch sort of way.....its the general women who suck genre of bitches to which i refer. Now, i will own up to being one. frankly i think most women are... its more of a human issue than anything else, though some women are more gifted in the bitch department, some men also i find to be quite adept at bitchery.
regardless, i feel we can agree that they do, in fact, exist.

i feel that there is a widely accepted connotation of the word bitch. Its not exactly flattering, it elucidates ideas of catty, spoiled,mean, selfish, loud mouthed, bossy, pugnacious, self-important, manipulative, etc.etc.etc.
often the aforementioned characteristics might be used in conjunction with bitch such as selfish-bitch, likewise ugly-bitch, dumb-bitch, lying-bitch, skanky-bitch, skank-ass-bitch, nasty-bitch and so on.

but beyond that, "bitch" is rather amorphous. we know what a bitch is; its sortof a visceral response...we know 'em when we see em, or its like we can smell them coming. Ah, yes i smell it now, its a foul bitch i scent on this wind. (sick i got a little carried away there)

I think that it can be broken down into two kingdoms, old bitch and new bitch. Which can in turn be subdivided into phylum, class, order, family, genus, and species.

Let us first draw our attention to the old bitch kingdom. Kingdon old bitch does not specifically relate to bitches who are advanced in age, but rather the bitches of old.
the first phylum in the old bitch kingdom worth mentioning, is the righteous bitch.
bitches of the righteous bitch phylum were strong, wise, powerful women. classes within this phylum include but are not limited to politically powerful bitch (queens, empresses, pharohs etc.) i am sure they instilled some bitterness in the hearts of some in their time; behind the scenes bitch - influential concubines, wives of dignitaries etc; smart bitches - including the women of the salon (not beauty parlor style... age of enlightenment duh); pioneer bitches- this class is broken down into political pioneers perhaps most recently and most widely known would be the suffragettes; and social pioneers, women outside gender roles: jeanne d'arc, annie oakley, simone de beauvoire(really the list here could be so extensive as to become tiresome.) The downtrodden-not-actually-a-bitch-but-my-oppresive-abusive-father/husband/brother/uncle/pimp/owner/etc-refers to-me-as-a-bitch bitch is perhaps the saddest of this phylum. The righteous bitch phyllum includes pretty much all of the badass women of history. They aren't really bitches in the sense we know it today, but i am confident that in their own time they would have certainly heard their name linked to "bitch" or some approximation there of.
Onto the next phylum within the old bitch kingdom. This phylum might be called phylum scary bitch. Without getting too far into this phylum it includes bitches that oh request the heads of people on platters, start wars for personal profit slash ego boost, go on murderous rampages killing all their children... you know scary bitches. The ones that were just so hard they turned insane.. well at least history depicts them as such. I am sure that it seemed perfectly logical at the time...
The last phylum in the old bitch kingdom worth mentioning is the mythical bitch. Mythical bitches are the women of fables, folktales, myths, and religion. Real and imagined, these women have acheived iconic status in the retelling of their narrative throughout time. Beyond hystory (not a misspelling, think uterus) they represent/extol/castigate (case, culture, and time dependant) the general bitchitude of women everywhere.

***i would like to acknowledge that i recognize the similarity of this taxonomic classification of bitches and that of barbie* and "now we resentful-political-activist bitch complete with picket sign, birkenstocks, and mini-megaphone, trying-to-maintain-a-sense-of-control-through-instutionalized-power police bitch with handcuffs, and riot gear sold separately" (clearly i am going to hell)***



new bitch taxonomy coming soon to a homonymousshmifter blog near you








*Barbie is a registered trademark of Mattel.. or it was,i don't exactly keep track